I’ve been working on updating my site here for a while now. You’ll find navigation menus, share links and other useful bits where none were before, along with new content (including new writing and new recipes!)

You can navigate using the writing area index page or the Writing menu at the top of the pages here.  Enjoy!

I should know: in 1998, after almost 8 years of college, I had racked up close to $84K in student loans and credit cards!  Mind you, I was never late on a payment nor did I default on any of that debt, but I was toeing a very fine line between solvency and bankruptcy for many, many years.

I’ve often pointed at my previous heart valve issue as having informed my life from around 1995 through 2002 (when it was repaired), but even more pervasive was the effect of being effectively broke for almost 20 years, virtually all my adult life!  All the chronic stress and worry over those two situations have led in large part to my being overweight for many years now.  There were many other stressors but they were either transient (e.g., relationship troubles) or subordinate to the debt, such as job stress (no job would’ve meant no getting out of debt!) and the stress and diminished self-esteem associated with weight gain.

It’s ironic, really… I spent a lot on food over the years precisely because I was under such stress, thus increasing my weight and my debt, leading to more stress!  Such a vicious cycle… I continued to sink into debt (and even bought a new car, though I kept it for many years) and at the worst point in January, 2000 I was nearly $110K in the hole (but again, though I was still forbearing the student loans I remained regular and current on all my other payments).  The most stressful years (other than the last couple) were 2000-2002…

In 2000 a long relationship I was in ended over the course of the year. I came a hair’s breadth of reaching my weight loss goal but not for long (stress has a way of thwarting such things). I consolidated my student loans with a federal consolidation loan, though the interest rate – nearly 8% – was ridiculously high and would never be reduced under that program [see a footnote about this at the end of this blog].  I went to Switzerland with someone I barely knew (it was fun!) and had several other romantic adventures as well.  However, my net worth remained stubbornly around -$108K throughout the year.

In 2001 it became clear that I’d need heart surgery within the next year or two to fix the valve problem.  Meanwhile, at work I was left as the only person who could do my (pretty critical) job as people left or were laid off all around me.  I didn’t get any significant time off in the entire year, no long vacations, just a day here and there.  Even 9/11 found me performing yet another “urgent” task at work, all day and late into the night.  It was perhaps the most absurd year of my life, though in that year I managed to halve my credit card debt I nearly ruined my physical and mental health in the process.

In 2002 I was finally able to take time off and was in a relationship for several months, but all too soon it was time for the heart surgery at the end of May.  It was successful and I was quickly back to work, but then 2 months later I got the final bill: despite having excellent insurance for some bizarre reason the Cleveland Clinic (where the doctors all worked exclusively) was not in the network even though the doctors and surgeons were!  So, after years of religiously paying down my debt I was faced with a nearly $100K bill and likely bankruptcy (and that was a huge spike of stress and despair, let me tell ya!)  Fortunately I successfully appealed the claim and it was paid normally (it was a uniquely bizarre situation, through no fault of my own… and as it turned out the next year they started out-of-network coverage in general).  Again, I was very, very fortunate!

The next few years saw me finish paying off my credit cards.  In late 2002 I ended my forbearance and started making regular minimum payments to my student loans.  2003 finally saw my debt trending below $90K, and by the end of the year I had less debt than when I graduated from college.

There’s something to be said for student loans, and if the interest rate was more like 2-3% I’d almost certainly have paid off the car or stashed more in savings first! (I discuss this more below.)  Some benefits of a federal student loan are in my experience *:

• One can forbear the loan without getting a ding on one’s credit report for quite a while
• One can defer the loan similarly if one is in school
• The loan completely disappears if one dies

On the other hand *, nothing short of certain forgiveness programs (teaching is one, I believe, and military service may be as well) and death (the outstanding loan doesn’t go to your estate) make such debt go away early.  Go bankrupt?  That loan will still be there!

While keeping this loan gave me more cushion in the bank and some security in case of job loss (since I could effectively “pause” the loan with no great negative effect on my credit) it was pretty damned expensive for something I couldn’t even deduct the interest for on my taxes (and the interest rate is anymore far more than a current mortgage).  It also led to an enormous burden of chronic stress.

With all that in mind, in 2005 I began paying my student loans in earnest.  My original loan payoff date (after I consolidated it) was 9/28/2027 (barring forbearance, of which I had about 3 years available), with over $500/month in minimum payments.  Had I simply followed the original payment schedule I’d have spent over $98K in interest and I’d be practically retired before I’d have paid the damned thing off!  By paying it early I cut the potential total interest by more than 50%.

There were times I’d reconsider my overpayments: job instability was a recurring reason I found myself shifting more into savings at the expense of the loan debt at times.  But it’s not a very sound long-term strategy: when you do the math even 4% interest on a savings account or CD is effectively only about 2.5% interest after taxes, versus paying down a debt at 8% interest (there’s no tax bite for paying off a debt!)  I kept track of all this on some massive spreadsheets I created over the years, detailing ALL my finances and projecting them years into the future.  When you run a few payment versus savings scenarios with the right data and assumptions you quickly see the folly in not paying off high-interest debt!

All of these things led to my accomplishing several goals and milestones now and in the coming weeks, after almost 10 years of working hard to achieve them:

• My final student loan payment should apply to my account later today (I entered it yesterday).  I spent a skosh more than the original principal on interest (I used the maximum $46,000 of undergrad loans in college and the interest was just over $46,200).  It’s really astounding… I only crossed that more-interest-than-the-original-loan line back in March.
• My 10 year anniversary at work is coming up soon.  It’s amazing that despite layoffs and turmoil I’m still there but it was integral to achieving this goal.
• As of this month, and excluding retirement funds, I’m financially “in the black” for the first time in almost 18 years!
• I haven’t paid credit card interest in over 4 years (though I’ve paid interest on my car loan, it’s just not quite the same somehow).

Do I still have debt?  None, other than my vehicle loan (the vehicle happens to be worth more than the loan, the interest rate is low and I could pay it off tomorrow from savings if I really wanted to).  So effectively I’m debt-free as of this month and am squirreling away money in savings for future endeavors (and as a financial safeguard).

With this major goal of paying off debt and achieving a positive net worth accomplished the next major goal of reducing fat and reducing stress comes back to the fore! I’m damned lucky not to have any medical effects because of my weight (yet!) and I’d like to keep it that way… if I could manage to effectively pay off all my debts then I can certainly accomplish my goal of getting fit!  It makes a world of difference when you can put the worst stressor in your life fully behind you and move on.

A footnote concerning loan consolidation as it relates to my former student loans: Beware of companies that claim they can re-consolidate a federal consolidated student loan into another federal consolidated student loan and somehow reduce your rate on the original consolidated loan!  I nearly fell for this with a very large provider a couple of years ago.  In short, while after federal consolidation you can often consolidate that way again if you have new student loans, the interest rate is blended! Thus it won’t help you lower that first consolidated interest rate for that first loan’s part of the balance.  Plus, the practice may be illegal when they claim they can reconsolidate without a second loan to fold in (I got the paperwork and it was quite clear I’d be wrong to sign it… I wisely shredded it and didn’t go any further).  When you sign that paperwork it’s pretty clear there are huge penalties for lying so make sure you aren’t being misled into doing just that by an over-zealous loan provider!

* Disclaimer: I’m no financial advisor… consult your financial aid office or a reputable and ethical student loan provider for the most current and correct information on federal student loans!

Funny how I can get several pounds of postal spam every week, but God forbid I’m over by a bloody 1/2 ounce… Pbbbbt!

Then there’s the name itself: Broccoli… mmm!  Sounds like the cause of intestinal disorders to me. And indeed it has that effect (though its supporters staunchly deny any connection to its cousin-by-name, E-coli).

Speaking of family, let’s see what Wikipedia has to say about the green-tufted menace.  Well, well, well!  It’s a member of the cabbage family!  Another lovely-except-when-cooked-or-consumed veggie! Broccoli is a cruciferous vegetable.  The media wing of the Vast Leafy-Greens Conspiracy has conveniently hidden the true definition of cruciferous from us on Wiki but never fear, I took a little Latin in high school! It’s obvious to this observer that cruciferous implies torture and pain, derived from the various unpleasantries such plants deal to one’s dietary tract.  Before you say, “but Marty, it’s green, green’s good for you!” maybe that works for money but not for broccoli. Which leads us to cauliflower: pasty-pale as pale can be, and yet that’s supposed to be good as well alluvasudden?  Mmhmm… suuuuuuure…

Let’s visit some other known associates and abettors of Newman’s “Vile Weed”: the aforementioned cabbage needs no further comment.  Kale, collard greens… not terribly pleasant to the nose when cooked (a hallway-filling aroma).  And the Godfather of nasty-ass veggies: Brussels sprouts!

So, there you have it: broccoli has a pedigree of nastiness.  I think I’ll stick to chocolate, thanks… we all know brown is the universal color and because the body doesn’t need to waste valuable resources “converting” it it’s easy on the digestive system and thus is good for you.  Broccoli / cabbage / Brussels sprouts /E-coli… they bring a whole lot to the digestive party and while that party’s loud and rockin’ and frankly a real gas I’d hardly call it fun.

Broccoli: Don’t eat it, you fool!

I started my web presence over 10 years ago, long before blogs existed; it’s hard for me to believe how much has happened in my life since then.  I was younger, adventurous and was much less inhibited than I have become.  Now we live in a world where one is judged professionally and privately by what any given search engine has to say about them, a world where we are more compartmentalized and controlled than ever before.  One’s employer can dictate what one may say, do, to some extent *think* even when not on the clock (I’m hopeful my employer is better than that but you never truly know).  And to lack a defined employer (i.e., become an independent contractor) is equally risky when basic health insurance is impossible to come by for many without a group plan.  It is in so many ways a Faustian bargain we make every day, when we choose to become a cog in the of the Engine of Industry whilst implicitly (often unknowingly) relinquishing the freedoms we take as a birthright.  I chose to make that bargain over 8 years ago when I left college and entered the workforce, and it’s been killing me ever since.

Since I couldn’t realistically quit working (short of returning to college, something I’ve frequently thought of doing) I wrote what I could, but gradually grew disillusioned and jaded.  Over the last few years I’ve let this site go fallow and my creativity run dry.  Not to say that my writing was the best you’d ever find, certainly not at first, but I am my own worst critic.  Many of my readers found it interesting and inspiring but I found the fear of some negative impact on my “professional” side to be too much.  While there was no particular reason to worry I gradually became convinced it was prudent.  So, a little over a year ago I took down all the writing and pretty much closed up shop.

At that time I was working hard to lose some extra weight I’d picked up over the years (working bizarre and varied hours and eating too much sugar from the old vending machines).  I’ve struggled with weight for over 15 years, starting back when I worked for a particular pizza chain early in college.  Sitting on my ass eating pizza and driving around all night for 40+ hours a week, taking a full class load and not sleeping well added up to a lot of weight and a lot of stress.  Over the years it became apparent that major stressors translated into major weight gain for me.  Not good.  Most recently I transferred within my company to a new position, one which may or may not work out but which appeared to have more of a future than the old one.  We’ll see, but at the end of the day it’s just more stress and more pounds.  As part of this blog I hope to report my progress as I work to finally get my weight down and shed both the stressors and the pounds.

When I was younger I felt I had a Destiny with that capital D.  Not in a particularly grandiose sort of way, just a sense of meaning and purpose, a feeling that I would have a good influence on at least part of the world through my writing and/or my actions.  Maybe it’d be a revolutionary book, or a new way of thinking.  Maybe it’d be simply touching the lives of a few others in some small but important ways.  Whatever that Destiny might have been I lost sight of it.  That loss has predicated and amplified all the other stressors in my life.  My sense of meaning and purpose is the thread I must find and pull back into play.  To live like I’ve been living is to live on auto-pilot, and treads the edge of hopelessness (I know better than to give up, but this is a long way from the person I once was).

To summarize, then: I’m upset that I’m overweight and that I’ve made so little progress with that, pissed at how stagnant my life has become in so many ways, sad that I have lost my direction and purpose in life, unhappy with where my career is(n’t) going and worried that the very act of stating my opinions publicly will endanger my livelihood.  Having lost my voice out of fear and apathy has led to this state of affairs.  I’ve been tied up in knots for too long and that needs to change, so today I begin by writing this.  I hope you’ll drop by here from time to time and share with me this journey as I organize my thoughts and work to change and improve my life for the better.