No fire hydrants were harmed…

I’ve been working on updating my site here for a while now. You’ll find navigation menus, share links and other useful bits where none were before, along with new content (including new writing and new recipes!)

You can navigate using the writing area index page or the Writing menu at the top of the pages here.  Enjoy!

History was made! Barack Obama was elected President of the United States!  I am very optimistic that this will lead to a brighter future in the long run.

I was laid off. The economic downturn and so on led to yet another round of cutbacks at my old company.  Though it stinks to experience this I am comforted by the knowledge that it wasn’t about me or my performance: just another blind, pointless swing of the layoff axe.

The economy continued to tank. No surprise there.

I’m working on weight loss (again). We’ll see how that goes.

Beginnings: Tomorrow we elect a new president of these United States.  I think that man will be Barack Obama.  On August 28, 1963 my namesake Martin Luther King dreamt of a world where his children and indeed all people, “will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character”.  Just over 45 years later we are on the verge of electing a man of color to the highest office in the land.  Here’s the links (video or text) to his historic and prophetic speech.

Somewhere, Dr. King is smiling… in fact, I think he’s standing shoulder to shoulder with Madelyn Payne Dunham (Barack’s recently-departed grandmother) waiting to see the election results come in.  I sincerely hope that his election will help start healing the wounds that divide this country both ideologically and racially, and will open an entirely new (and better) chapter in our great history.

In the 1967 Loving v. Virginia case the courts struck down the various state laws that made interracial marriage illegal.  In 1996 the DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) was passed, one of many efforts in Congress to “protect” marriage.  Importantly, if you are gay and get married in a state that allows it, no other state need recognize that marriage.  Sound familiar?

I support the right of straight and gay couples to marry with all the rights and responsibilities that entails, and I believe that that right should be nation-wide, not state-by-state. Separate but equal didn’t work when it came to civil rights for minorities and it won’t work now.  Allowing the tyranny of the majority to parcel out rights to minorities this way is not helpful.  Unfortunately neither candidate is supportive of gay marriage, and I particularly call out Obama on this, who should know better than anyone that separate but equal is wrongheaded; I can only hope that he’s saying what’s politically expedient rather than what’s in his heart (given that he’d turn off some voters if he declared his support of it).

That said, I predict the following: a clear Obama victory, around 60% of the popular vote to McCain’s 35%, a clear Electoral College victory (pased on the current polls I’d say by a 2:1 margin) and for Congress, 59-61 dem senators when all the votes are counted.

I wonder how far off I’ll be?

The blog format has worked OK for the last couple of years but it has gotten a bit “old” as a default homepage.  I recently read up on landing pages and decided to update things.  As part of this effort I am redesigning this site once again, taking it back to a more traditional design that de-emphasizes the blog portion a bit while allowing other content to shine.  I’m not sure if I’ll change the theme but the navigation will be similar, with the tabs at the top or the side available to allow the user to easily navigate the site.

PS: One thing I am absolutely sick of is the routine outages and hiccups on the current host.  I’ll be investigating getting that straightened out as well.  In the meantime, if you notice slow loading times or other problems, these seem to self-resolve in a few minutes.  There are apparently many other sites on this server — some political — so I would hope that their traffic will become more moderate (haha!) after the election.

It’s been almost exactly two years since my last cardio checkup and it’s long overdue, so I recently made an appointment to get my periodic cardio checkup before the end of the year.  It’s a truism that men hate going to the doctor, and not just because of the single finger anal probe! (Ugh!  That’ll start in a couple of years too! )  Truth is, we don’t want to hear that we’re mortal.  For me it’s a little more complicated.  My heart valve should be fine for at least another 10 years if I take care of it, and I feel that yearly visits to see that yes, nothing has changed noticeably and here’s your bill are a luxury in this time of economic strife and skyrocketing insurance costs.  Then there’s the drug aspect: I’ve successfully avoided taking anything regularly beyond a daily low-dose aspirin and multivitamin.

That all said, the last few years have been extraordinarily stressful, both at home and at work.  It’s not always stressful of course, and – knowing my significant might read this – it’s not just our relationship issues (though at times they do become overwhelming).  I do know that all these stressors have had a powerful effect on my emotional health, my blood pressure and my weight.  I really don’t manage stress well, and I’m often in situations where dichotomies rule the day.

I worry about work: in particular, will I still have a job in the next few months, or will my job become a living hell?  Things have been good the last two years in my current position, but things can turn on a dime where I am and that has NEVER been more true than it is right now.  I’ve been worried about job loss for years, as many people remind me: surely I should believe by now that I’m not really in danger?  Unfortunately the endless parade of indiscriminate layoffs and sudden reorgs over the last 10 years serves as a constant reminder that nobody is safe.  That’s not to say it hasn’t been profitable: I paid off my credit cards, student loans and a car thanks to my job, but it’s been a very long road and I’ve sacrificed a lot to get where I am.  In the process I’ve endured a LOT of stress, and now with the company in upheaval and the economy in the tank it’s gotten just that much more stressful (jobs are few and far between).

I worry about home: where will we be come next May when this current lease is up?  We’ve got a lot to work on before then and it’s not at all clear what the outcome will be.  I recently touched bases with my therapist and it was worthwhile, but I always come away feeling a little lost and a little more scared.  I could buy a house or townhouse (if I have enough cash) but the precarious job market makes that a pretty dumb plan.  If I lose my job and get another I’d likely get a very long commute to go along with it (possibly without mass transit to at least soften the blow) or I’d just be stuck with no job and big COBRA and housing payments.  If I an stuck in a mortgage in this dead housing market it’d be that much harder to move to wherever the jobs are (if it came down to that… it’s a choice I’ve always wanted to make freely, if and when I choose to move elsewhere).  My significant other is also looking into a job that would take her far away for at least two years, and she says she’s sick of living here so I can’t really lean on her for support either (that job may not come to fruition but “maybe” isn’t a comforting backup plan if I end up on hard times – I could end up out of a job and out of a home in that case!)  Mind you, the last thing I want to do is lean on her for any sort of financial support – she had a bad experience with that in a previous relationship and I don’t want to repeat that for her.

I worry about my health: thank God I got my heart valve repaired when I did… but I’ve been foolish and haven’t lost the weight I need to in order to be in the best of health.  In fact, I’ve gained some weight in the last 3 years or so!  I recently found out that super-high stress – the kind that makes your fingers cold and your heart race – is causing my blood pressure to go up. I figured it was the opposite effect: lower blood pressure leading to chills, but no, apparently not.  Such stress has been much more frequent this year but I hope the majority of it is behind me now.  It’d not good for the heart or anything else.  I’ve yet to find a good personal physician but I’ll be working on that in the next couple of weeks.  Seeing the cardiologist is the most important thing right now and I’ve taken the (courageous) step of making the appointment.  I expect he’ll tell me I need to reduce my stress levels, and I’ll wonder as I always do how the heck I’m supposed to do that.

Something I’ve learned: interpersonal stress is perhaps the worst sort, but it is rooted in a deeper thing: the stress that arises from feeling that one has no hope.  Sometimes I get to thinking that things will never get better and that all the options are equally unhappy, be it at work or at home.  I know that’s a mental dead-end and that there are other options, and I’m conscious of that fact and I operate as if there is hope even when I can’t see it clearly.  But tell that to the subconscious, where the raw and primal fears remain and that stress and anxiety builds up!  I have hopes and dreams of a better life, and I finally feel that they are within sight (in that I’m working out my issues and have put myself on a better financial footing).  But it’s gong to be a tough year or so ahead (though hopefully not nearly as tough as I fear).

Thinking back, I haven’t written about any of this because, more than anything I’m afraid of rocking the boat at home.  But this isn’t my secret journal: There is no subtext here, no coded message to discover, no great change in direction (other than I’m finally going to the doctor).  There’s nothing here that should be surprising or worrisome to my significant other or anyone else who reads this and knows me (and I’m sure I’m far from the only person who has such worries and concerns).

I worry about… worrying!  One plainly sees the words “scared” and “fear” above: certainly fear has guided me away from some pretty bad decisions in my life, and it’s arguable that I also haven’t taken some potentially profitable chances because of fear.  However, I think (and others agree) that I’ve done quite well on my narrow little path to greater financial stability.  It’s just been a helluva lonely road because the majority of my life has been spent with that as the main focus.  More than anything else work and income have been constants in my life.  I want more than that though… as I approach the big 4-0 I realize I have a lot in life I would like to accomplish now that I’ve built a firmer foundation than I started with.

Understand: I find myself up many a night lately, worrying and wondering and fearful and that crosses the line between healthy worries and unhealthy anxieties.  I don’t sleep very well either.  Some days are better than others and I know it’s mainly situational and that it’s not intractable – I believe things will work out for the better one way or another.  However, the part that I can do something about right now is not letting the stress overwhelm me and cause me to “freeze up”.  It’s very hard to change myself in the midst of all this uncertainty but I must.  So here are some of my personal affirmations, beginning (anew) right now:

• I will stop letting others govern my emotions (and still be emotional, loving and involved in life).
• I will take much better care of my physical and mental health and will get in better shape (whether it’s finding a good doctor and getting a proper physical, getting a personal trainer, or just going to the gym or getting outside more).
• I will start living my life again, despite the uncertainties.  That includes seeing family, taking vacations, getting out and doing things instead of just sitting around the house all day and night (working from home notwithstanding, I still need to get out more on the Fridays and the weekends, even if just on day trips).
• I will learn who my friends truly are and hold them close and confide in them when I need to.
• I will find my soul again.  It sounds weird but I feel I’ve totally lost touch with that part of myself.  Recent events have caused me to pray more than I have in a long time to a God I’m not sure exists (that’s Agnosticism for you)… it made me realize that I need to reconnect with that part of myself that gives me hope and courage in the face of despair.
• Most importantly, I will stop hiding and instead will open up: writing this blog, writing stories from the heart and soul as I used to and speaking my mind in general.  I’ve barely written anything in this blog that’s of great import because I’m too afraid that it’ll affect my job prospects or such.  However, I believe that’s wrongheaded and to bow to such fear is to perpetuate that suppression of personal freedom and First Amendment rights.  I live in one of the greatest countries on earth, and while our current leadership has been terrible, we enjoy great freedom… freedom that is easily squandered by our unwillingness to exercise it.

None of this is going to be easy, and the road will be at very dark and very lonely at times.  Memento mori… this all came to a head recently when, for the first time in years I was reminded that I am very much mortal and will not live forever and that it’s high time to put my life back together again while I still can!  I realized that I don’t want to die alone (who does?) and that I want more to show for my life than a sequence of interesting but ultimately meaningless encounters and events.  I’ve had some exciting times in my life and I’m sure there will be more to come, but it’s time to grow up a little and get back on my path.  The Zen koan I learned so very long ago still rings true: the journey is the reward, not the destination.  It’s time to make my journey through life more rewarding again.

As I sit here re-reading this I find tears suddenly in my eyes and down my cheeks.  I’m feeling relieved to tell you all this (I don’t even know who you are after all).  I’m feeling hope again that my life will have some greater meaning (for the first time in a very long time) but I’m so very afraid that it won’t and that I’ll die before it ever does.  Will there be an eternal reward someday?  A karmic wheel that will turn again?  Oblivion?  I can only hope there is some point to all this, something more than oblivion at least, something with more purpose than living, eating and dying over and over again.

Such speculation has always been in the back of my mind and always will be: this is nothing new – being agnostic isn’t as easy or trivial as some folks make it out to be.  It’s a carefully considered viewpoint of mine, where rational doubt and hope can freely co-mingle without being forced to choose one unprovable absolute (atheism) over another unprovable absolute (theism).  But it’s still so very easy to fall into the mental traps of believing that drifting through life is adequate, that life is a zero-sum game, that there’s no proof of a greater purpose and therefore no point to doing better or hoping for more.

I was wrong, several years ago, when I thought that moving away to Seattle would change my life.  It would probably have been nice but my problems would’ve followed me too, and they would eventually compel me to move yet again in a few years (that’s what happened when I moved here: though I was taking my first job out of college and it was in that way necessary, I also was running from my old life and those in it!)  Truth is, I need to change myself first.  I got myself into this mental trap and now I’m extricating myself from it.  It will not be easy, but there is no other choice: I mean to get back to living instead of simply existing.

Coda: Something else that got me to thinking about my mortality in the last few months was the following video by Noah Kalina (click his name for more info) entitled Every Day.  While we might not agree on the meaning of life (according to MySpace he’s Atheist), I’m reposting it here (I think I posted this before) because the music and the images still haunt me.  It’s like watching his life flash before your eyes, and for me it is a powerful reminder of my own mortality.  [Note: this is not the only such photography project out there, but it is the most powerful one by far.]

everyday from Noah K. on Vimeo.

I’ve watched my 401(k) drop by about 15% so far this year.  Imagine if the Republicans had their way and we were all fully invested in the market instead of that silly old-fashioned and poorly performing Social Security trust!  We’d be well on our way to wiping out even that lifeline.

It’s all very disturbing, as Congress argues about the $700B bailout of the market and huge institutions collapse around us.  I’m torn about the “bailout”, but one thing is sure: I’d rather have a job than not, and a horrendous recession or a full-blown depression is not a good option.

And so I sit here at midnight writing this blog, wondering just how much worse it’ll get.  There’s no encouragement to be found… no light at the end of the tunnel to suggest this will turn around.  I certainly hope it does though, because the last thing we need is a financial disaster to top off the eight-year disaster that was the Bush presidency.

It’s particularly interesting to read how Fox News spins this story:

“Once [this system] is rolled out in airports, it could give us a future where we can once again wander onto planes with super-sized cosmetics and all the bottles of water we can carry — and most importantly without that sense of foreboding that has haunted Americans since Sept. 11.”

(Yes, there’s nothing I miss more than people “wandering” onto planes.  Wait, isn’t that how First Class normally boards, so as to make all the rows behind them wait?  But I digress…)

Assuming it really works, which sense of foreboding does this technology allay?  The sense of foreboding caused by the attack itself or the sense of foreboding caused by the subsequent and dramatic expansion in government surveillance and unchecked authority?

Discuss.  Bonus points if you avoid the words “Faux”, “habeas” or “four more years”.

Regards,

Marty

One the one hand, it’s between him, her and their families as to how to deal with it (shades of Clinton, but hardly impeachable even if he had gotten elected).  On the other hand, imagine if he had been the Democratic nominee right now?  That would be tantamount to handing John “Dubya” McCain the presidency!  Talk about foolish!  I don’t hate the man… he has a lot of good ideas about fixing the healthcare system in this country… but his dalliance could’ve given us four more years of “staying the course” by default, and that’s pretty damned irresponsible (though not nearly as irresponsible as starting this damned war in the first place).

I should know: in 1998, after almost 8 years of college, I had racked up close to $84K in student loans and credit cards!  Mind you, I was never late on a payment nor did I default on any of that debt, but I was toeing a very fine line between solvency and bankruptcy for many, many years.

I’ve often pointed at my previous heart valve issue as having informed my life from around 1995 through 2002 (when it was repaired), but even more pervasive was the effect of being effectively broke for almost 20 years, virtually all my adult life!  All the chronic stress and worry over those two situations have led in large part to my being overweight for many years now.  There were many other stressors but they were either transient (e.g., relationship troubles) or subordinate to the debt, such as job stress (no job would’ve meant no getting out of debt!) and the stress and diminished self-esteem associated with weight gain.

It’s ironic, really… I spent a lot on food over the years precisely because I was under such stress, thus increasing my weight and my debt, leading to more stress!  Such a vicious cycle… I continued to sink into debt (and even bought a new car, though I kept it for many years) and at the worst point in January, 2000 I was nearly $110K in the hole (but again, though I was still forbearing the student loans I remained regular and current on all my other payments).  The most stressful years (other than the last couple) were 2000-2002…

In 2000 a long relationship I was in ended over the course of the year. I came a hair’s breadth of reaching my weight loss goal but not for long (stress has a way of thwarting such things). I consolidated my student loans with a federal consolidation loan, though the interest rate – nearly 8% – was ridiculously high and would never be reduced under that program [see a footnote about this at the end of this blog].  I went to Switzerland with someone I barely knew (it was fun!) and had several other romantic adventures as well.  However, my net worth remained stubbornly around -$108K throughout the year.

In 2001 it became clear that I’d need heart surgery within the next year or two to fix the valve problem.  Meanwhile, at work I was left as the only person who could do my (pretty critical) job as people left or were laid off all around me.  I didn’t get any significant time off in the entire year, no long vacations, just a day here and there.  Even 9/11 found me performing yet another “urgent” task at work, all day and late into the night.  It was perhaps the most absurd year of my life, though in that year I managed to halve my credit card debt I nearly ruined my physical and mental health in the process.

In 2002 I was finally able to take time off and was in a relationship for several months, but all too soon it was time for the heart surgery at the end of May.  It was successful and I was quickly back to work, but then 2 months later I got the final bill: despite having excellent insurance for some bizarre reason the Cleveland Clinic (where the doctors all worked exclusively) was not in the network even though the doctors and surgeons were!  So, after years of religiously paying down my debt I was faced with a nearly $100K bill and likely bankruptcy (and that was a huge spike of stress and despair, let me tell ya!)  Fortunately I successfully appealed the claim and it was paid normally (it was a uniquely bizarre situation, through no fault of my own… and as it turned out the next year they started out-of-network coverage in general).  Again, I was very, very fortunate!

The next few years saw me finish paying off my credit cards.  In late 2002 I ended my forbearance and started making regular minimum payments to my student loans.  2003 finally saw my debt trending below $90K, and by the end of the year I had less debt than when I graduated from college.

There’s something to be said for student loans, and if the interest rate was more like 2-3% I’d almost certainly have paid off the car or stashed more in savings first! (I discuss this more below.)  Some benefits of a federal student loan are in my experience *:

• One can forbear the loan without getting a ding on one’s credit report for quite a while
• One can defer the loan similarly if one is in school
• The loan completely disappears if one dies

On the other hand *, nothing short of certain forgiveness programs (teaching is one, I believe, and military service may be as well) and death (the outstanding loan doesn’t go to your estate) make such debt go away early.  Go bankrupt?  That loan will still be there!

While keeping this loan gave me more cushion in the bank and some security in case of job loss (since I could effectively “pause” the loan with no great negative effect on my credit) it was pretty damned expensive for something I couldn’t even deduct the interest for on my taxes (and the interest rate is anymore far more than a current mortgage).  It also led to an enormous burden of chronic stress.

With all that in mind, in 2005 I began paying my student loans in earnest.  My original loan payoff date (after I consolidated it) was 9/28/2027 (barring forbearance, of which I had about 3 years available), with over $500/month in minimum payments.  Had I simply followed the original payment schedule I’d have spent over $98K in interest and I’d be practically retired before I’d have paid the damned thing off!  By paying it early I cut the potential total interest by more than 50%.

There were times I’d reconsider my overpayments: job instability was a recurring reason I found myself shifting more into savings at the expense of the loan debt at times.  But it’s not a very sound long-term strategy: when you do the math even 4% interest on a savings account or CD is effectively only about 2.5% interest after taxes, versus paying down a debt at 8% interest (there’s no tax bite for paying off a debt!)  I kept track of all this on some massive spreadsheets I created over the years, detailing ALL my finances and projecting them years into the future.  When you run a few payment versus savings scenarios with the right data and assumptions you quickly see the folly in not paying off high-interest debt!

All of these things led to my accomplishing several goals and milestones now and in the coming weeks, after almost 10 years of working hard to achieve them:

• My final student loan payment should apply to my account later today (I entered it yesterday).  I spent a skosh more than the original principal on interest (I used the maximum $46,000 of undergrad loans in college and the interest was just over $46,200).  It’s really astounding… I only crossed that more-interest-than-the-original-loan line back in March.
• My 10 year anniversary at work is coming up soon.  It’s amazing that despite layoffs and turmoil I’m still there but it was integral to achieving this goal.
• As of this month, and excluding retirement funds, I’m financially “in the black” for the first time in almost 18 years!
• I haven’t paid credit card interest in over 4 years (though I’ve paid interest on my car loan, it’s just not quite the same somehow).

Do I still have debt?  None, other than my vehicle loan (the vehicle happens to be worth more than the loan, the interest rate is low and I could pay it off tomorrow from savings if I really wanted to).  So effectively I’m debt-free as of this month and am squirreling away money in savings for future endeavors (and as a financial safeguard).

With this major goal of paying off debt and achieving a positive net worth accomplished the next major goal of reducing fat and reducing stress comes back to the fore! I’m damned lucky not to have any medical effects because of my weight (yet!) and I’d like to keep it that way… if I could manage to effectively pay off all my debts then I can certainly accomplish my goal of getting fit!  It makes a world of difference when you can put the worst stressor in your life fully behind you and move on.

A footnote concerning loan consolidation as it relates to my former student loans: Beware of companies that claim they can re-consolidate a federal consolidated student loan into another federal consolidated student loan and somehow reduce your rate on the original consolidated loan!  I nearly fell for this with a very large provider a couple of years ago.  In short, while after federal consolidation you can often consolidate that way again if you have new student loans, the interest rate is blended! Thus it won’t help you lower that first consolidated interest rate for that first loan’s part of the balance.  Plus, the practice may be illegal when they claim they can reconsolidate without a second loan to fold in (I got the paperwork and it was quite clear I’d be wrong to sign it… I wisely shredded it and didn’t go any further).  When you sign that paperwork it’s pretty clear there are huge penalties for lying so make sure you aren’t being misled into doing just that by an over-zealous loan provider!

* Disclaimer: I’m no financial advisor… consult your financial aid office or a reputable and ethical student loan provider for the most current and correct information on federal student loans!

In other news, I watched the 2002 BBC documentary Close To You: The Story of The Carpenters on YouTube tonight (it’s in 5 parts there – I’ve linked the first part here). It was both fascinating and sad… as I recall, my mom was a big fan of Karen Carpenter, loved her music and mourned her untimely passing. I didn’t understand it much at the time but I have a new appreciation for her music.  She had such an amazing voice.

As an aside, the most unusual renditions of the song Close to You were the version in the Neil Gaiman movie MirrorMask (a very good yet truly bizarre movie) and the Millennium episode “Beware of the Dog”.  The Millennium usage was particularly memorable, as the opening plays the music over a peaceful drive in an RV as it suddenly turns terrifying, then cutting smoothly to the Millennium title theme (the original audio from season one is here).  It was jarring and scary, completely unexpected and absolutely hilarious, all at the same time.